I Survived Open Mic Krogan Night At Omega's Club Afterlife
by MrFredCDobbs
Summary: He's taken down a thesher maw on foot, survived a suicide mission into the Omega Four Relay and destroyed the rachni in the Attican Traverse but now Urdnot Grunt faces his greatest challenge yet: His stand-up comedy debut. - This is just pure, goofy humor, folks. Nothing more.


… Thank you, Charr! That was definitely some … _heartfelt_ poetry. Your wife Ereba is one lucky lady.

Anyhow, for those of you just arriving, welcome to Open Mic Krogan Night here at Omega's Afterlife! Hold onto your tickets for the doorprize raffle later.

I'm your host, Patriarch. It's been my pleasure to emcee this event for the last three hundred years. Eventually, we will find you some actual entertainment, I promise. Ha-ha. Oh, and please take any serious head-butting into the lobby. I know, I know, but those are the house rules. And, trust me, you do *not* want to mess with the owner.

Ok, anybody from Clan Urdnot in the house tonight? Yes? Okay, then! Give it up for our next performer, who's making his stand-up debut! He's a young up and comer who served under Commander Shepard – Yeah, let's hear it for the commander too, huh? Our kinda human! – and is now the leader of Aralakh Company. This kid is one tough hump! But is he funny? Damned if I know, but I guess we're gonna find out.

Friends and krantt, let's hear it for Urdnot Grunt!

* * *

Thank you, thank you. Great to be here again at Afterlife. The very first time I came here it was with Commander Shepard, actually. A batarian that night tried to poison the commander. He tried it right where you're standing, fella. And then commander killed that same batarian, right over where you're standing, miss. And then, after that, the commander tried to do something even deadlier, right where you're standing, buddy: dancing. Seriously, I've seen vorcha in their death throes who have more rhythm.

But, anyway, as that batarian was on the floor and coughing up his internal organs because Shepard forced him to swallow his own poison, that's when I said to myself, "Yeah, Grunt, you made the right choice following this human. Not pink and squishy at all! And even knows how to get out of having to tip the bartender!" Those are the life lessons you just don't find in books, you know?

The last time we were on Tuchanka, Shepard actually got a breeding request. Really, I'm not kidding! The commander got really worried. "Do I have to accept that breeding request the next time we go to your homeworld?" the commander asked me.

And I said, "No, battlemaster, you can turn it down. But why would you? With enough lubrication anything is possible!"

So, Commander Shepard has a prothean serving on the Normandy now. Can you believe that? The prothean told me the other day that salarian kidney is best served at room temperature while the salarian is still alive because, and I quote, "The fear adds spice."

And I say, "Yeah, sure. Everyone knows that. But what sauce do you use?"

I kid, I kid. Are there any salarians in the audience tonight? No? Ok, then I'm not kidding. Ha!

Here's one: what does a krogan have in common with a hospital operating room on Sur'kesh? They both get sterilized by salarians!

Speaking of salarians ... The genophage huh? It's finally over! We are getting busy back on Tuchanka! And as a perfect example of krogan virility, I'm doing my part, I can tell you. I told Commander Shepard the other day, "Sometimes so many females come after me that I have to beat them off with a stick."

"I didn't know the krogans used that turn of phrase," the commander said.

And I said, "What's a 'turn of phrase'?"

Seriously, does anyone know?

Everyone back home is happy about the genophage being over - except for our pro athletes 'cause now paternity suits are finally a thing on Tuchanka. They've had to hire off-planet lawyers. And guess where they're getting them from? Sur'kesh! That's the thing about salarians. One way or another, they'll fix it so krogans can throw up their hands and say, "I'm not the father!"

... Too soon?

Of course, ending the genophage also means the females are now saying they should have a role in running things. To that I say, "If we let the females run things, how can we be sure that Tuchanka will remain a radioactive shithole? Come on, people, think."

Other species say we krogan aren't that sharp. That's frankly insulting. Did you know that we have a library on Tuchanka that contains all of the wisdom we have accumulated over the last 10 millennia? Unfortunately, its closed right now. Somebody stole the book.

As you may have heard, I am tank-bred. It's true. It does have its advantages. Anytime anybody makes a crack about doing it with my mother, I can just say, "So, you stuck your junk in a glass tube last night? I prefer live females but whatever tickles your quad, I guess."

[Taps microphone] ... Is this thing on?

So, a krogan, a quarian and a vorcha are all in a skycar. Who's driving? C-Sec!

How many turians does it take to win a war? A billion and one. A billion to man the tanks and ships and provide all the platoons, then one more to ask the salarians to win it for them.

Krogans are used to the galaxy being against us. Maybe a little too used to it. Sometimes we don't notice when things shouldn't be that way. The other day I got a call from a buddy in my clan. He was all excited because he had just bought a skycar on Illium and was taking it out for a spin. I told him, "Be careful, I just heard a report that there's some maniac out there driving directly into the onrushing traffic lanes." And he tells me, "It's not just one guy! There's thousands of them!"

The same guy calls me later and says, "Wow, the asari think of everything. The skycar lanes all got these devices that shine red lights to warn you when some other driver is about to try to hit you."

We krogan have these problems because we don't get off Tuchanka very often. There's some stuff that's common to other species that we haven't seen. So sometimes there are misunderstandings. A clan buddy called me up once and said. "This Citadel place is amazing! They have these self-serve restaurants with great, really fresh food from all across the galaxy. They call them 'zoos.'"

I was on Thessia not that long ago. Like most Krogan, I'm big into military history so I went to the war museum in the capitol there. It's a huge place with lots of artifacts going back several millennia. I spent hours wandering through it. Then I went in one room that was completely empty. I asked the museum guide, "What's the deal here?" She says, "Oh, this is where we asari commemorate our victories."

And how about our leader, Urdnot Wrex? He's doing pretty good, huh? Interesting guy too. I was at a party with him recently. We got to talking and we ended up doing what two krogan guys always end up doing: comparing scars. I showed him this one, which I got in a fight with two guys who didn't like a tank-bred being given command of Aralakh Company. And Wrex said, "Did they both learn to live with you being the leader?"

"Turns out only one of them had to," I said.

He loved that.

Then I asked him, "Where'd you get those claw marks on your head?"

He said, "I got them from an albino nathak."

And I said, "Waitaminute, albino nathaks are extinct!"

Wrex looked at me and broke into a big grin and said, "They are now, yeah."

Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience! Korbal!

* * *

Thank you, Grunt. I guess we now know why Aralakh Company is so feared - It's leader really knows how to bomb a joint! Ha-ha.

Nahh, we love ya, kid.

Okay, up next, we have a special treat. We're welcoming back one of the all-time favorites here at Open Mic Krogan Night. It's a riot every time she's here – sometimes literally. Yeah, her body might be asari, but her mouth is definitely krogan!

Friends and krantt, give it up for Matriarch Aethyta!


End file.
